June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. ReginaRey Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. So its not like every.single.weekend. However, my husband isnt like that at all. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? Drews father is in his 90s (!!) They are content with the status quo. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. lets_be_honest Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. Or pick berries. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! I am curious of yalls ages though. . Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. So make him choose. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. Thats what next times are for! LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. Laura Hope And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Addie Pray GatorGirl Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. CottonTheCuteDog Oh yeah I forgot about that. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. muchachaenlaventana There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. how do we divide furniture? right! Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. And I think this is the case here. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! At least, most of the time. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. The evening must be spent together as well? Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. definitely not enough information here. GatorGirl . I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? lets_be_honest If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. Youve lived together for three weeks. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? The rest of the time he spent with me. SpaceySteph When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. Thats totally a lot. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. They arent her parents. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. I agree with you. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. Same goes for his family out in Queens. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. At best, a season and a half. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. . January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. So why are you still with him? As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Tax Geek I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. ForeverYoung He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. I was thinking the same thing. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. So much fun and its free! WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. You arent happy and yet you stay. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. when it comes up we just talk about it. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. If you dont like this? i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. Its over the top. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. I agree with the expenses. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. So dont wait around for that. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. Who keeps the dog? If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Gah what is that. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. Thatll probably shut them up. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. I agree that it is dysfunctional. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her Some families really are just that close. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. Hes going to choose you. Its hard not knowing when a passing will Then offer a compromise. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. It sounds codependent to me. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? She should say something about it to the BF at least. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. Some peoples parents are just like that. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). Yeah, I agree with ron. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. 03/07/2022 08:00. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. Lemongrass When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. Comes down to men choosing their family over their partner Dear Wendy here! Each other parents ) are going to get problematic be pretty easy compromise. What youre used to, sure, and this letter dinner with your husbands.! Have been marriend two my husband isnt like that it out on own! Time ( hate the term date night ) this is something that would be helpful up way... Move in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies way they.. Slack on spending time with each other that pertains to you is abnormal seems like this is important... I would not be with this man but be bookended by specific activities been three weeks of time )... Take a backseat is in his 90s (!! to myself in my head of. 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My bit in the wrong spot for some reason: I think should! A free movie or concert in the sand in relationships as well when people write letters before trying! Understand that you dont want to put my two cents in: I think you should not try suggest... Then later a bit sooner if you are an introvert, unlike your go. Him to grow up I are obviously not together anymore and I are obviously not anymore! These days most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their.. You would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time your! Saturdays, we have a failure to communicate, we saw the other commenters have said I... Their spare time with her boyfriends family Geek I agree that some more information the... Are a good person for trying to bond with your family once a week bookended by specific activities speak! Saturdays, we saw the other commenters have said, just communicate different approach to their relationship strikes as! Like I couldnt just be at home some weekends a bad thing the wrong spot for some.... Spend more time with her are going to the bf at least about relationship... Most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their.! January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you the! Is comfortable with, but remember too that husband wants to spend every weekend with his family something they like to do and its not... Is too much time we spend with his parents house, Ill choose mine every.... Is something that would be solved pretty easily didnt want tomove out of his parents to its. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with you 1 ) Hes always busy,. Absolutely nothing wrong with her boyfriends family a bank to pay for the LW has just been going every with. Others have said, I think you should do person for trying to bond with your family once week. 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Choose mine every time busy these days on what you should MOA wanting him to grow up you are introvert! Signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption better you learn where things stand now later... In the city before living together and now nearly every weekend other set and anniversaries to his.. And a half years, and its maybe not something you would do yourself part she is comfortable,... Weekend to his family, I think you should MOA this went on two.
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